Welcome to ShyandFree.com, an original award winning personal growth self-help web site dedicated to transforming shyness into wholeness and happiness. The content of this site is free for your personal use, nothing is held back in order to best help you. The solution to your shyness may not be what you expect. One-of-a-kind content based on experience, links to experts, inspiring stories, and resources are all available here at your fingertips. All the links on this site are safe and will either take you to pages within this site, to trusted sites, or to Amazon.com or Google Ads where your purchases help support this site.
Whether you are helped directly by my ideas or from the links to books and ideas of others, it does not matter as long as you find what is right for you related to concerns with shyness, quietness, insecurity, social awkwardness and self-esteem.
Do people think you are a snob? Why are you shy? You may discover that shyness is guiding you to someone and some things more wonderful than you can imagine. You may find that you are destined for deeper understanding, meaningful work, and mutually compassionate and loving relationships.
Tried everything to overcome shyness? Perhaps it is no coincidence that you have arrived here today. You may want to take a moment and read this first page to see how Shy and Free™ relates to your journey. For a condensed version of this site, enter your email address and click the exclusive content link on the right. Beliefs are explored and action is encouraged. Ready? If you are not sure this site is worth your time, read what others think of the content. Readers state that “… I’ve just experienced the “ah-hah!” and “The world needs to hear this!” You may be thinking that you just need to find a way to be more confident, to get rid of your insecurity with a quick solution (which you deserve.) Here is my advice on how to quickly “overcome” shyness. If you are struggling with what to say, how to chat, small talk, or fear of saying the wrong thing then reading the advice on communication will be very helpful.
This site is based on personal experience and also has links to the sites of leading experts on shyness, social anxiety, social phobia and introversion. Comprehensive resources including books and exclusive content are included to assist you.
Imagine going from someone too shy to purchase a book on shyness; too shy to have a successful job interview; too shy to ask for someone’s phone number; too shy to attend social activities; too shy to go on dates — to someone who looks others in the eye; finds rewarding, interesting and creative work; travels internationally; finds their partner in life; finds happiness and joy in the world; and even speaks to large groups of people on occasion.
My journey led me to discover the Principles that Transform Shyness. Applying these principles leads to a Process of Understanding Shyness. Living the principles and following a process allows the Secret and Ways of Transforming Shyness to work for you when you most need some help.
This shyness web site Shy and Free™ is about transforming fear into action. Transformation is not about magically becoming a social butterfly or accepting shyness as the complete you, it is about changing fear into action.
This site is written by someone who has personally transformed pain and suffering into happiness and joy.
If you are interested in personal growth, change, and transformation then you are in the right place! This site is written for those who have already worked on their shyness (social anxiety, insecurity, quietness) — perhaps making progress only to experience a setback; perhaps not finding solutions that worked; perhaps not yet creating the happiness they seek. Having personal experience working on your shyness gives you the foundation for understanding and applying the information on this site. You will get the most out of Shy and Free™ if you have read one of the books from Carducci, Aron, or Cain, experts on shyness and introversion. If I were starting my journey now, I would read all three of these groundbreaking authors.
The Shy and Free™ site contains both original content and links to useful web sites. The source of the original material on this site is direct experience and is not from any one philosophy, psychology, religion, or spirituality. Occasionally there will be a reference or quote from someone when the source of an important learning is remembered. More often, the lessons were knowledge from others, taken in, and combined with other learning through experience. Additional web resources and some of the influences of this site can be found on the Resources page.
The truth present on this site has the power to spark the truth that is already in your heart, mind, and soul and one spark is enough to light the fire of transformation.
The solution to your shyness may not be what you expect (If it were, you would have already found the answer.)
Moving Toward Happiness
Moving toward something will bring you success and happiness. Trying to get rid of something only keeps you stuck. You could spend a lifetime answering the questions “How can I overcome my shyness?” and “What causes shyness?” While this would be an interesting exploration, nothing would change.
You get what you resist. What you resist you get because personal change does not happen through opposition.
What is the point to all the struggle? Shyness leads to self-consciousness which leads to consciousness which leads to freedom.
Until we are free, we can experience much pain. When asked what to do with all the pain the poet Rilke said “Feel it and keep moving because you deserve to be happy.”
The point of the struggle and pain is to discover the courage to really love yourself and others . . . to be Shy and Free™.
What part of you wants to change? It can’t be shy part because its purpose is to protect you. If it is not the shy part that wants to change, then there must be others parts of you yearning to be set free.
Change occurs when you can recognize the shy part of you and, at the same time, the other parts. Being totally identified with the shy part is extremely painful. The shy part can’t see how not to be shy, only the other parts of yourself can.
The more you try to change or get rid of your shyness, the more your shyness is reinforced. The more you are in touch with other parts or yourself, the freer you are to express the whole you and experience changes in your life.
The Many Parts of You
We all are made up of many parts (sub-personalities, tendencies, gifts, talents, potentials, etc.) Shyness is just one part of you. While shyness may be leading you now, what about all the other parts? Do you remember moments of adventure, curiosity, courageousness, creativity, or joy? These memories could be recent or from childhood and show that you are much more than your shyness.
Good and Bad Parts?
There are not good and bad parts of you, all parts of you are acting in your best interest. Part of your journey is to discover what good each part is trying to do for you. Understanding the shy part can direct you to happiness and finding your true purpose in life once you truly learn to listen non-judgmentally.
Finding the Real You
What is the real you? How many of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs come from your parents, your culture, your past experience? What beliefs do you hold that are self and life affirming? What beliefs do you hold that are judgmental and critical?
Is part of you yearning to be free of the past and be fully present now? Is the real you the center of all these parts? What would happen if the real you were in touch with all the parts of yourself? Ideas on this site will help you explore the other parts of yourself, the parts that are not shy and this will lead to finding the real you, the center of all the parts. After all, you are here searching for answers, which shows that you are more than your shyness. The foundation of the idea that we are made up from many parts comes from the transpersonal psychologists, psychotherapist and philosopher Dr. Piero Ferrucci who wrote “What We May Be” which is about psychosynthesis from the work of Dr. Roberto Assagioli.
What is Shyness?
Shyness is a label placed on us by others or ourselves. Labels do not explain a person, they place a person in a category and it is important to remember that labels and categories are not the person. Shyness is not the complete you. Your current way of being in the world resembles others who are introverted, quiet, sensitive, protective, caring, or deeply feeling. On one level shyness is a behavior and on another level shyness is an inner guide, an important part of you. To some people shyness has negative connotations and to others shyness is the root of compassion and creative introspection. For the purpose of this web site, shyness is the emphasis of one part of us resulting in the limitation of our personal freedom and expression. The point of this site is that regardless of how you define yourself or others define you, you are more than that and regardless of any label, you can take action and become whole and happy.
Shyness can be also viewed as caring too much what others think of us.
What is the difference between shyness, social anxiety, and insecurity? In reality, these terms are artificially created categories which help to understand behavior — the similarities between the categories is more important than the differences. The term shyness is used on this web site as a broad category covering being shy, quiet, insecure, and/or socially anxious.
How do I know I don’t have a more serious psychological problem?
With shyness, one can still take action. The results may not be to our liking and we may find that despite our various efforts, we tend to get the same results but we are trying or at least seeking answers. If you are completely struck and not making progress on your own, you can seek the advice of a professional.
What is holding you back?
What is keeping you from finding happiness and wholeness? Sometimes we hold on to beliefs that are self-destructive for which we are not even aware. The first section on the Principles that Transform Shyness may question some of those beliefs that are holding you back.
How to Use the Shy and Free™ Site
The Shy and Free™ site is divided into seven areas: Home (this page), Principles, Process, Secret, Ways, Stories, and Resources. Click on the corresponding menus at the top of each page to navigate to the desired area. Any text is a different color is a link which will take you to additional information when clicked. For information about the site, author and awards, click on the About menu. Clicking on the Shyness Book Store will take you to a wonderfully comprehensive book store relating to shyness. Clicking on the Resources menu will reveal some of the sources that influenced this site and assisted in the author’s transformation.
One way to approachhttp://shyandfree.com/shyness-books/ this site is by reading the first three areas: Principles that Transform Shyness, A Process of Understanding Shyness, and the Secret of Transforming Shyness, then explore the Ways that Transform Shyness, Stories, and Resources.
Alternatively, go to the area where you are most drawn. No matter the page you land on, consider not just understanding the content but how you could apply the information, what action could you take to turn this knowledge into wisdom.
If you are not sure reading this site is worth your time, check out what readers think about the Shy and Free™ content.
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