Blind Date: HELP!

Hello my friends, welcome to the next chapter of my crusade against FEAR (note that I’m not saying “against shyness”). I started once again to frequent chat rooms because I now think It’s a great way for me to develop conversational skills, give compliments, flirt and even ask women out without experiencing the slightest trace of paralyzing fear. As I wrote in this forum before, I’m a charismatic, charming, confident and outgoing guy when I sit in front of a keyboard and a monitor and connect to an IRC server. Unfortunately, I’m totally the opposite in real life (but I’m working hard on it!). Last Saturday (27/01/2001) I met online an intelligent, friendly, absolutely cool woman called Veronica, with whom I have lots of common interests, and unless I am much mistaken, her feeling towards me are reciprocal (she sent me three emails in the followings days saying how much she liked me, gave me her phone number and asked for mine, and after I gave it to her she called me first!. By the way, her voice sounds lovely over the phone). Defeating the fear again (because talking to a woman over the phone is a little bit more scary than chatting over the Internet, at least for me) , I asked her for a date (a blind date!) next Saturday and she accepted! So the question is: NOW WHAT? The terms “Anxiety” “Stress” or “Uneasiness” are not strong enough to accurately describe my current state of mind. What to say? How to avoid that awkward silence instants? We already have spent two hours discussing preferences and interests in the chatroom. I have so little experience in small-talk that I’m afraid of screwing things up. And , of course, there is that “physical looks” thing. I’m so eager to experience dating, relationships, intimacy and sex that I care little about how beautiful she might look, but almost surely she has a greater dating experience than mine and can afford the luxury of being picky.

I’m reading over and over again the “Ways that Transform Shyness” chapter in this site and doing so is helping me to cope with my nervousness; also, I “had” to post the account of this experience here: I feel a lot more relaxed now. Please feel free to post your comments, suggestions, shared experiences, etc. and thanks for reading.

Ernest 01-30-2001

2 Comments

  1. You are doing great! It is fine to be anxious before a date — Everyone is anxious before a blind date.

    You have probably heard tales of nightmare Internet blind dates. Look at it this way, no matter what happens it will be a success because YOU HAVE A DATE.

    Nothing else matters. How you are. How she is. The fact is that no matter what happens, you will have had a date, got some experience, and have a story to tell.

    KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR WITH YOU. BE ABLE TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF AND THE SITUATION (if not at the time, then later).

    Notice the awkward silences should they occur, then BREATH deeply. If the silence is still there, then perhaps you can both laugh at it or you can remember a topic of conversation from a list of things you planned to talk about if things got quiet. Remember to notice what is happening around you and with her.

    Focus on the moment, on this ONE date. Don’t project into the future having a relationship with her because you do not really know each other yet.

    Blind dates often result in rejection, which is fine because the goal is having one date. This one experience will lead to more — if not with her, then with someone else.

    Have fun.

  2. Great job! You are very courageous! I mean that. People have told me over the years how courageous I have been and I guess I didn’t see it at the time, but all the risks I took to become confident were very scary. Courage is action in the face of fear.

    One thing you said makes me think your date will go smoother than you may think. You said you share lots of the same interests with her. Right there you will have lots to talk about! Usually those dead spots in conversation come when you don’t know what interests the other person has, but if you like the same things, just go from one topic to the next. Keep a mental note of them.

    Let her know what are the most important values in your life and ask her about hers. I think what makes people click and stay together is a combination of shared interests and values with values being the most important. For instance, if both of you like biking and miniature golf and computers, but one of you values privacy and the other values being in the social limelight, the relationship probably won’t last long. And that’s OK!

    It’s having the experience of finding what’s right for you that is valuable. And it will also give you insight into if the relationship ended, it wasn’t YOU, you two just didn’t share common values. The next time, you can refine your conversations somewhat to be able to discover common values a little easier.

    Tony Robbins has a whole chapter on values in his book “Awaken the Giant Within.”

    This sounds like a fun date with a lot of things to talk about and do together. That can be your goal, fun and socialization. Just learning about yourself and other people. And like Kevin said, it will be a success just in the fact that you had the date.

Comments are closed.