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Ways that Transform Shyness |
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How to use the Ways that Transform Shyness
With the knowledge of the Principles that Transform Shyness, insight learned by following a Process of Understanding Shyness, and the wisdom gained from the Secret of Transforming Shyness, you can now practice Ways of Being and Behaving that will transform your shyness. While studying the following Ways that Transform Shyness, notice when you feel "Sure, I know that", "I do that now", and also notice where you feel "I could never do that!" These are all powerful ways of being and strategies that work to transform shyness. We model our ways of behaving from our friends, parents, television, and other influences. Sometimes we are not aware that they do not work, yet we continue to use these ineffective ways. Sometimes we are not even aware we are following any strategy or particular way at all. Why not use strategies that really work, instead of old ways which produce the same old results? Question any strategy that is not working for you now . . . including ways of being you have used your whole life. Using the following ways will help you become Shy and Free which means being free to be your true self. You are on a personal quest and do not need to understand every way of being which follows, only the one(s) which you are drawn to at this point in your own journey.
Ever at a loss for words? Ever envy those with the gift of gab? Maybe learning to talk endlessly about anything is not for you, however, having a few meaningful things to say can change your life. The reason it is important to have meaningful conversation is that words tend to help make others comfortable because they can get to know you, whereas, silence tends to make others uncomfortable because they feel threatened and uncertain about you. The secret is to know three meaningful "things" to say about yourself, three meaningful things to say about current events, and to be present and notice and express feelings about the current environment. This secret is both simple and powerful. Actually "Things" are exactly what you do not want. "Thinging" means making yourself an object, something that we often do without our even knowing. ("PAIRING: How to Achieve Genuine Intimacy" by George R. Bach and Ronald M. Deutsch copyright 1970.) Example of what you do not want to do when meeting someone for the first time: "Hi, I’m Kevin Rhea, ‘Rhea’ is Irish name but I was born in Alaska before it was a U.S. State. I am a computer programmer. And You?" What is wrong with the above introduction? You probably hear many such introductions so what is the problem? First, the introduction says nothing personal about me, it simply identifies some facts. Secondly and most importantly, it "things" me in the mind of the other person. All of their associations with other people named Kevin, the Irish culture, Eskimos, and computer programmers are put on me without their or my even realizing it. I become Kevin, the Irish Eskimo Programmer. Maybe you think, "That’s kind of interesting - Kevin, the Irish Eskimo Programmer" but if you really want to make meaningful contact with someone, you must not "thing" yourself because once "thinged", it is difficult to change this impression as all new information is placed into the existing "thinged" categories. A better introduction would be: "Hi, I ‘m happy to meet you. It feels great to be at this outdoor cafe after being inside all day. I spend as much time as I can outdoors. That is a beautiful sweater you are wearing, is it a favorite of yours?" This is better start to an introduction because:
As the conversation continues, I can express more things that are important to me as well as discuss current events and what is happening around me. The combination of being personal, being present, and talking about current events encourages a natural conversation which is meaningful and flows between what is important to me, what is important to my partner, what is happening around me and my partner, and what is happening in the world. After a connection between the two of us is established it is fine to say my name, occupation, and other “things” and facts about myself as they naturally occur in the conversation. In order to always have something meaningful to say, write the following on a 3 inch by 5 inch card each day and keep it with you: Me
The Community and World
Ask
Remember to stay present and notice what is happening in your environment. The information on this one 3x5 card is all you need to strike up a meaningful conversation with anyone. This strategy works in person or on the telephone resulting in a meaningful conversation which can lead to many things and can be enjoyable for its own sake. Don´t be afraid to start off with some small talk about the weather or other trivial matter (that´s what everyone does) - after all you need to find a way to introduce yourself and small talk is a time-honored and socially accepted way of breaking the ice. If you have trouble making small talk, seek out web resources or books as small talk can be learned. And what if no results occur from a particular conversation? Be happy that you did all you could to establish meaningful contact and are just experiencing one of the Principles “Not everyone was meant to be your friend or partner”.
Gurdjieff often said that we are asleep most of the time, that we are like robots. Unless we use techniques to keep us awake, we quickly fall back into the robotic behavior. Keeping a journal will do four things for you:
Keeping a journal will provide self-insight and help keep you moving in the direction that you want to go. You will be surprised when you read your own thoughts from the past --- many will seem like they came from someone else. You will also be amazed how what you dream comes true. To keep a journal, set aside some time each day or week to record your activities, feelings, fears, dreams, and goals. Write about what you had the strongest feeling about even if it seems trivial. Be sure to include not only your current feelings, but also what you want to happen and feel --- the future. By writing about the future as you want it to be, you will help create what you dream. Set a minimum time for which you will write and write even if you have nothing to say (write I have nothing to say, I have nothing to say…) as this will get you accustomed to writing. Summarize your learnings at the end of the day/week from your journal writing as this is a way to uncover your own wisdom. It is best that a journal entry:
Journal writing is a tool to help you stay awake and to help you achieve your goals and dreams --- it really works, try it for one month and prove it to yourself. Date, Date, Date with many people you may not be interested in. "How can I date when I can’t get a date?" you may be wondering. What if there where ways for you to date while you were getting more comfortable with dating? What if these ways were fun, enjoyable, and confidence building? What if these ways lead to you being more natural, aware, and spontaneous? Often the issue with dating is this: You are uncomfortable dating; asking people out or being asked out; and going to social events --- so you tend not to do these things --- then when fate drops a dating circumstance in your lap you are nervous and feel inexperienced --- making for an uncomfortable date and for you feeling bad about yourself. The first step is solving this dating dilemma is to change the expectations you have of dating. Often, unrealistic expectations are held concerning how our partner will look and be how we will act on a date. These expectations come from watching others who seem so natural and comfortable together. For now it is important to have only one expectation: to experience dating. Also, do not get hung up in the term dating --- what really is a date? Meeting someone for coffee or tea is a date --- even if the date is thirty minutes long. With no expectations except experience, you can now take every possible opportunity for dating such as:
It is amazing what can happen when you are clear about your expectations and intentions and when you let go of self imposed pressure to have a certain kind of dating experience. Dating a variety of people will teach you that:
The more you date, the more you will be comfortable dating and the more natural and fun dates will become. Remember that for now you are not looking for the "right" person for you, you are exploring dating with no expectations or pressure. Every experience is a success! Get started dating today If you are comfortable going to singles parties or dances then do so now. If on the other hand you are like many and can’t imagine how you would get a date then join a dating service or place/answer a personal ad. Dating services can be a wonderful way to gain experience dating. Remaining clear in your intention is critical in order to avoid being manipulated. Dating services often have a variety of plans --- from low cost to high. Being businesses, dating services will try to sell you their high priced service saying things like "What is more important that finding the right partner in life?" and "How much do you want to invest in your happiness?". Since you are clear that what you want is some experience dating --- you can be firm and spend the least amount possible. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated! No one can guarantee to find you the right partner so do not be influenced by such claims. Personal ads (on-line or newspaper) are also a great, inexpensive way to gain some dating experience. Guidelines when meeting someone new
Creating a safe environment is very important when meeting someone new. Until you get to know someone very well, always meet in a public place that is familiar to you. No matter how “nice” they seem, remain in public places and avoid being alone with them because the world is full of wonderful people as well as disturbed ones --- so be safe. If you both decide you would like to see each other again, make a small plan --- keep things simple --- don’t make grand plans of things you always wanted to do... If either of you does not feel like seeing the other again, thank the other for the time and realize that it is perfectly normal for people not to be attracted to each other (Principle: Not Everyone was meant to be your Friend or Partner).
Move from Wrong to Right Action Only someone who is shy understands the agony, regret, and self-hate lived with daily. At times the pain seems overwhelming and unending. Other times, a glimmer of hope is grasped through fate, faith, realization, imagination, or experience. What can really ease the pain of shyness? How would you climb a challenging mountain? First you would establish a plan, select proven tools, evaluate and choose proven ways, follow the plan, monitor progress, and adapt the plan to changing conditions and circumstances. You would hold a vision of success, of what it will be like at the top. Even though you use proven tools and ways, each step is your own --- each success a personal triumph. The same approach works for transforming shyness. What does not work is: inaction; reading old psychology books full of erroneous and negative information; following ineffective ways; having no plan; giving up; waiting to feel confident; comparing yourself to others; ignoring your feelings; not monitoring your progress; and ignoring changing circumstances. No amount of wrong action will lead to success. Even a minimum amount of right action will ease the pain of shyness. Shyness Right Action
What are proven ways of transforming shyness? You can learn much from someone who has already climbed the mountain --- seek out people who have done what you wish to do. Read current books and follow ideas by authors who know of what they speak. "Overcoming Shyness and Social Phobia: A Step-by-Step Guide" by Ronald M. Rapee and The Hidden Face of Shyness: Understanding & Overcoming Social Anxiety by Franklin Schneier M.D. and Lawrence Welkowitz PH. D. are excellent self-help choices. Making a plan based on the Principles, Process, Secret, and Ways of transforming shyness here on the Shy and Free site would also be a great start to your personal transformation. Taking the above 7 steps will ease the pain of shyness because they are based on right action. Communicate with impact to move a relationship forward. Feel invisible, that no one notices you? Do you sometimes observe couples and think "Why did they pick that person, they are not even nice to them?" Do you have trouble moving from friendship to romance and intimacy? If so, the "Art of Impacting" from "PAIRING: How to Achieve Genuine Intimacy" by George R. Bach and Ronald M. Deutsch copyright 1970 may be for you. Talking about the weather, sports, news, or music does not create impact. Being nice does not create impact. "Expressing real feelings in a real way creates impact." "In expressing real feelings to someone, one also expresses trust and acceptance." Having impact leads to intimacy which means being close, feeling understood, accepted, and valued. How does one express real feelings? It could be a smile, a look --- more often it is what you choose to notice and say about the other person and yourself. Saying something outrageous or very personal ("no one has ever told me that!") could also have impact as long as it is real. Expressing real feelings also means letting the other person know how what they say and do affects you. Interesting enough, expressing negative feelings and reservations (in a good way) is one effective way of creating impact. After all, negative feelings and reservations are honest and expressing them helps create trust and even acceptance (because the other person will understand that you are being real with them).
A game that teaches real communication...
Ungame: Learn some simple rules and have fun really communicating --- not just while playing but in the real world! You choose lighthearted or serious cards such as "What is something that you really like about yourself?" or "What is something that no one knows about you?" Click Game to Order When you are real with someone, they are likely to be real in return. Being real together builds trust and leads to intimacy. Being real is scary which helps generate the sparks which lead to intimacy. Shy people often make two critical mistakes by: 1) being too nice 2) saying only what they think the other person wants to hear Being nice and cautious in what one says does not create impact and intimacy. When stressed, people who are shy often become even "nicer" and more cautious creating even less of a chance to really get to know the other person. People working on their shyness and trying to avoid the two critical mistakes above often go a bit overboard. For example, telling someone you love them on the first date is expressing real feelings; but is too much, too soon. Instead, tell them some ways they are impacting you which gives them an opportunity to also express some real feelings. The wonderful thing about impact is that it is created from honesty. More ways to come.
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