I am 28 and have never had a girlfriend

My name is Robert. I am 28 years old and I have been shy most of my life. I was raised to be shy. This makes it even harder to cope with it. I have never had a girlfriend. I am also a virgin. I am ashamed of being one. I cannot talk to a girl. I wish one would approach me instead. Why won’t that happen? If women are sensitive, then they should go up to some guys who are quiet and shy. I have been in therapy for shyness, but it did not help. I am very depressed and often think I will never meet a girl. Please help.

02-27-99

1 Comment

  1. I much older than you before having a girlfriend. I also use to wish that women would approach me. I would go to places such dances, classes, book signing, etc where it could be possible. On the extremely rare occasion that a woman talked to me first, I did not know what the say back!

    Dating Service and Personal Ads
    I then tried dating services, which can be great because they provide some dating experience. Later I tried personal ads that were useful as well. I noticed something very odd — I was not interested in women that responded to my ads. I realize now that this was because women that responded tended to be much more outgoing and less sensitive than me — which made me uncomfortable. I learned that sensitivity is not related to gender. The good thing was I became comfortable making casual dates (like for coffee/tea) just to get to know someone. Making simple plans in a public place is very important when first meeting someone.

    Being Shy is not Better or Worse than being Out-going
    When shyness in learned and/or inherited from the parents, it can make one angry. “What did I do to deserve this suffering?” is a common thought. Really, you are the way you are and it is up to you to make the best of it. While it seems that out-going people have an easier time — this simply is not true (consider all the pain of divorce, disease, and other issues caused by aggressiveness). I read in a self-help book that some people don’t get anything accomplished because they have too many friends/acquaintances. I could not imagine this being a problem but apparently it is common for very out-going people. Perhaps the way we are is for a reason and it is up to us to find our place in the world.

    Step-by-step
    It is wonderful that you have tried some things such as therapy — don’t give up! Keep doing things and taking action in the direction of going on dates. Do you know what is stopping you? What is the first step you can take this week to will bring you closer to having a date? Next week, look back and see how you did with this first step. If you did fine, then take the next step. If you did not yet succeed, then make a smaller step and keep repeating this process until you achieve success. This may sound simple but it really works.

    Risking Rejection
    To have a girlfriend one must risk rejection — this is the price one must pay. Will they agree to the date? Will they like you? Everyone gets rejected (although few talk about it) and no one feels good about being rejected. Some people say no in a kind way, others in an insensitive way. Not everyone is compatible so consider each rejection as bringing you a step closer to your goal.

    Make small goals which support the larger one
    Remember that having a girlfriend is a longer-term goal, you must make smaller goals that take you in that direction. Also, we do not control the universe so do not focus only on the one goal of having a girlfriend, as you cannot control this completely by yourself. You can be happy dating, making friends, and going out in the meantime.

    Being a Virgin
    Don’t worry or focus on the virgin thing. It can become an overwhelming preoccupation that only serves to limit your happiness. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin! When the right person comes along, this part of life becomes natural and beautiful.

    You deserve to be happy
    I used the above advice myself and after many, many years I met the most wonderful, kind, sensitive, intelligent,and beautiful woman — we were married two years ago — and are now expecting our first child in September! All the pain and suffering and all the work I did on and for myself was worth it.

    You deserve to be happy!

    02-28-99

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