In my usual state of anxiety, I scan the newspaper . . . Damn! Why am I in this situation again?
Sausalito, rustic house, panoramic views,$1200, comes with 3 cats. 381-8563.
The house is two stories below the level of the street so that all I initially see is the tired crooked roof line. Wooden stairs descend in a maze, first down, then twisting and turning. Midway down, an old tree outreaches its huge arms as if to block the path. There is no way off the stairs once the journey has begun . . . either descend forward toward the house past the tree who knows “she died suddenly” or backwards, up the wooden maze to the street.
I’m not sure I am ready to take this journey so I continue to just observe.
To the right of the stairs and past the mailbox post showing the number 103 is a wooden “slide”. Curiously handcrafted, it descends ninety degrees straight down the two-story drop. A rope follows it down through the “garden” (which appears to be simply overgrown weeds) and holds a wooden bucket near the ground. I’m drawn by the slide’s steepness which promises speed . . . no time to think . . . and unlike the stairs, offers no possibility of turning back.
My eyes follow the slide from top to bottom, my mind follows my eyes, and my body follows my mind.
I should be scared but it is too late. I should be in pain but I am overwhelmed. I can’t feel my crumpled body as I gently open my eyes. Blades of grass are waving in the wind, beautiful arcs of green flowing in the warm light of day. A bumblebee, perfectly yellow and fuzzy causes my anxiety to return for a moment. The bee buzzes close and rests at my feet. It dies . . . no movement . . . no sound . . . only the fresh breeze gently rolling over its folded wings.
What is the message? Death is natural, beautiful? I don’t understand until the bee comes to life and flies away free . . . and I understand that I, like the bee, have simply been sleeping . . . gathering just enough energy and understanding to permit my own freedom.
A sense of calm overtakes and caresses me until I feel intense compassion for myself and others. I have a sense of knowing that there are no mistakes and that every moment is a chance to demonstrate the truth that I have found in my heart. I now know that beauty, peace, understanding, compassion, power, and knowledge have always been there calling to be discovered. For the first time I truly “feel” and it is the feeling that contains the power which can never be understood with the mind.
I laugh as tears stream down my face because it is all so simple, so basic, that the only way not to see the truth is to block it.
I blocked the truth all these years but it knowingly spoke to me through my insecurity . . . which I had recognized as being truly “me” . . . but this was not me at all, simply messages sent from myself to keep me searching, longing . . . to hold my attention until I was ready to uncover the truth. I can not believe this feeling! Power, love, understanding, knowledge are just words . . . this is so much more . . .
I am sorry that your daughter suddenly died . . . I am sure she is in a wonderful place . . . I am sorry that her cats need care . . . I know they will be watched over with the peace, love, and understanding that is in all of our hearts.
Thank you for placing the beautiful newspaper advertisement.
by Kevin Rhea
May 23, 1993