Do you always fall in love with people you can’t get?

Hi, this is Cyreal, I’m a board member from France. I got a “few” questions for you guys : What do you call obsession? How do you know you’re obsessed?

How do you make the difference between being obsessed and being in love passionately ?

Cas pratique: I think about a girl a lot, and when I say a lot I mean it. I’ve had an eye on her for 2 years now but just got the courage to talk to her a couple weeks ago.

As usually, this has only been possible because I found a good excuse : some interest we have in commune for Finland (a Scandinavian country… north of Europe). She went there this summer, and I’m gonna study there next year… so I asked her out so that we could talk about it. And I realized she was THE one…

Then I realized she probably was the 86th THE one… and that this time she must be just a girl I like… the problem, though, is that my brain got the point, but not my heart, and I feel just the same as if she were THE one.

>> I’m scared when approaching her, I think of her all the time, I make some stupid plans about a hypothetical relationship… I’m just nuts…

We’ve been out a couple of times, movie, theater, hockey game, diner… we got to talk and have some fun… but I liked her probably because she was the unavailable type (she gotta a boyfriend).

Do you guys feel like you always fall in love w/ people you know you can’t get?

It made me think that IT was the reason why I fell in love w/ such people, because I couldn’t get them. Ain’t that weird?

Probably feels better knowing we won’t be able to get involved into a true relationship ?

Anyways, this time I feel there’s a chance.

I love her, the problem is though: How do I know my consciousness of the fact that only unavailable girls attract me makes it possible or not for this relationship to be a healthy one?

Oups gotta finish later.


  1. Hi Cyreal, Thanks for taking the risk and time to post a message on this board.

    The thing that determines if you will have a healthy relationship with another person is determined by the health of your relationship with yourself. Relationships are mirrors of what we think of ourselves. For example, if you don’t respect yourself and let people take advantage of you, you will probably have a relationship with someone who disrespects you and walks all over you.

    You may think in order to stop them from doing that, you will have to get them to change. Not so. In reality, until you stand up for your rights, you will attract many people into your life that will disrespect you. For example at your place of work, your neighbors, and you probably have family members right now who treat you with disrespect. That’s how you learned how to disrespect yourself in the first place. You probably had no one who really listened to what you needed and wanted. In that way, you learned that your needs weren’t very important. It may be subtle or in your face, but it probably happened.

    The world offers you opportunities on a daily basis to work on and heal yourself. That’s what these people who bug you are for. They are there to give you a chance to grow and become better. Every day is an opportunity. If you pass by the opportunities, more and more will seem to appear until it gets so uncomfortable that you take some action. That’s what you call a growth spurt. You become more than you ever were before, and then you will again have more opportunities to grow further.

    If you look at life from this point of view, it seems more sensible and exciting. It tends to make sense why all these challenges come your way.

    You are also always given other people to help you with your challenges, in the form of friends, understanding family members, or just kind people on the street. Everyone you meet or come in contact with has the potential to help you, either in the form of a challenge or a support person.

    Take some special time to learn more about what makes you tick and what your needs are. The more balanced a person you become, the greater chance you will have of attracting a balanced person in a relationship.

    Trying to start a relationship with a person already in a relationship with someone else is a ticket to a lot of pain, not only for you, but now for 3 people.

    Take care and keep in touch.

  2. Hi Cyreal, Brilliant question. Maybe both now, obsessed and in love. The question is WHAT TO DO?

    First look at what is real:
    1) You have strong feelings for her.
    2) You have gone out, so this is not a total fantasy.
    3) You have a pattern of being attracted to unavailable women.
    4) She may be unavailable to you.
    5) People do change relationships.

    If you do nothing, you will regret it later. If on the other hand, you take a risk you may be asking for a lot of suffering unless you take care of yourself.

    Take care of yourself. Do not let the mind trap you into “this is the ONLY person for me”. Take it slow. Go out on something more of a date than you have in the past. Don’t tell her you love her until it is clear she has those types of feelings for you.

    Look for warning signs such as cancelled plans, too much talk of other guys, unavailability — and call her on them. Don’t be a doormat because while useful, doormats are not loveable.

    The more you can love yourself, the more loveable you will be.

    Realize that for every wonderful quality you see in her, you have an equal wonderful quality.

    And if she does not share your feelings? You are still wonderful and loveable and will find the right person for you. You cannot control how she feels about you, just as you cannot control how you feel about her.

  3. I told her. Yesterday I asked her how she felt about her relationship w/ that other guy and if I had any chance… and I didn’t know… in what kind of ugly situation I put her into! because now that she knows, she has a choice to make, whether it is not doing anything and keep dating her boyfriend, or leave him… I feel very bad because I shouldn’t have done that, it was selfish and stupid. What I see now is pain, lots of it and for all three of us.

    I’d like to say “never mind what I said”, “let’s forget about all of this”… but I still feel that it could work, between us.

    This time, I know a lot more about me. I even tried to think that it wasn’t gonna work and was better that way. I could buy that, but that ain’t the truth.

    Should I let go because she is now with some other guy? I want her to be happy… but I want to be with her… I feel like I messed up big time… what should I do???

    You gotta know that she told me she loves her boyfriend… but we don’t know how he feels about her??? She went out with him and it took her 3 months before she fell in love with him… which pisses me off… because I feel I could have been that guy… and I would treat her lots better… which makes me say that love ain’t all, right ? Gotta be smarter than love. Some girls stay with bad boys because they “love” them even though they treat them like crap ! so what is love anyways ??? BUT, I love her… and that’s why I wanna go out with her. Strange, hum?

    So what’s love gotta do with it ; )?

    What part of the relationship should it take?

    I “know” that it could work out great but there’s no way to really know!

    I am doing wrong by letting her know and asking her to choose me??? I believe it is… what should I do? Let go anyways even if I feel it’s not crazy and it’s possible?

    This time I’ll wait for an answer before I do something stupid.

  4. You seem to want to know what the right thing to do is so you can do it.

    What are the values most important in your life? A value is a feeling. Money is not a value, for instance, but the freedom or security it offers is. Do you value honesty for example? What does honesty mean to you? For me it means integrity and open communication. (Integrity means your thoughts and feelings and statements and actions are all in alignment.) Are you being honest with yourself that a girl who would go out with you when she has a boyfriend, wouldn’t go out with someone else if you were her boyfriend? Is she being honest with her boyfriend? If not, what makes you think she’d be honest with you? Is she being honest with herself?

    It sounds like you know you’re out of integrity by seeing her. You said so. You said you feel that you’re doing something wrong. By making a list of your most important values and defining them, it guides you in making tough decisions. They will become much easier and the reasons you make them will become clear. You won’t doubt yourself. You will be living your life “on purpose” that is, with your outcome in mind.

    What’s your definition of love? You asked what it meant. What do you think it means? Do you love yourself, not in a selfish way, but in a way that shows self-respect? Could you apply all the reasons you love her to yourself?

    I can tell you are really searching for your truth. Your truth lies within you. Ask yourself some tough questions to uncover it. We all have a truth, but we have to ask the right questions to “see” it.

    Good luck and take care.

  5. I’ve done some thinking’ and came to the conclusion that it would be best if I let go of her because I know I’ll survive and in maybe 1 month or 2 I’ll be doing just fine, maybe even before… and I don’t want her to be hurt, because I love her, and all that story ain’t good for her, just for me. It was selfish of me to ask her out. Maybe we’ll be friends and she could give me a hand finding a girlfriend : ) but still, it hurts… pain takes it time to go away… I’ll wait.

    Gros Bisous

  6. Hi Cyril, Perhaps there is a parallel universe and I am in France 7 years ago — or maybe the experience you just had is shared by many people who are shy.

    I have been through a very similar experience and my thoughts below may be a total projection on my part — so check it out for yourself to see if there is some truth in it for you.

    Telling someone that you love them takes tremendous courage. This is perhaps a big turning point in your life. Yes, maybe the way it was done did not hold promise, but nonetheless you put yourself out there and took a huge risk. There is no going back now, the universe has heard that love is important to you.

    You love this girl. Use the strong feelings you have now to motivate yourself to work on the things you would like to change. There is a window of opportunity here for growth.

    Let’s look a exactly what happened for the good: You had feelings of attraction and love for someone. You were true to yourself and expressed your feelings. You displayed courage.

    Let’s look at what was not so good: You were friends, she was dating someone else. You expressed your feelings before she expressed any romantic interest in you. You asked her to make a choice when she was not involved with you in the same way. You distanced yourself from her through the approach taken.

    Can you recover from such a situation? Only time will tell. If you really want a chance with this girl, then DO:
    1) Date other women (she has a boyfriend, so it is OK for you to have a girlfriend — it will help her see you as more than a friend)
    2) Do things to increase your self esteem – training, seminars, classes, therapy related to what you want to improve about yourself.
    3) Figure out what it is you fear the most about intimacy, and do something about it.

    1) Don’t be a victim of unrequited love.
    2) Don’t be a doormat because you love her so much.
    3) Don’t be always available — be out there dating, taking classes, growing, and having fun.
    4) Don’t be nice (kind yes, but not nice)

    In this window of opportunity, you can become a much stronger, healthier, and happier person. Confront your worst fears, using this unrequited love as a motivating force. You may attract someone even better for you, even though now you only want her.
    You will know you have grown when you feel equal to the person you are attracted to and in love with. Feeling that the other person is so much better than you does not promote love in return.

    You expressed puzzlement that it took this girl months to fall in love with her boyfriend. Understand that love and attraction are not logical. Wondering whether the other person feels the same is part of the excitement and romance in a new relationship. Learn to work with the ways of love, instead of against them.

    Find ways to love yourself and you will be able to receive love from others in return.

  7. Thanks Kevin, you just said what I was thinking and that will give it more power and legitimacy. I wanna go out with other girls even though I want her, because I may find somebody else… who knows… who will love ME and w/ whom things could work. And I’ve nothing to lose, I’ll keep learning and getting more experience… and in a way that could be good for a hypothetical relationship w/ the girl I love now… I’m just so glad about what happened… I don’t feel sorry for myself, to the contrary… I think it’s great… I did it, for the first time I told a girl I love what I felt for her…

    You gotta know that I knew that she wasn’t doing well with her boyfriend… I wasn’t trying to destroy something wonderful… just letting her know that she didn’t have to go through all that crap he put her through…

    Well, gotta go now.

    This site is great and YOU guys are wonderful
    See ya!

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