The drama of shyness I experienced in my life could easily go into a book of records. As I never acknowledged it to myself, it progressed to depression, then panic attacks (which included hospitalisation due to severity of fear), social phobia, intense spiritual isolation, never having a loving partner, travelling across the globe searching for a man of my dreams, truth and God. All I looked for around the world was love, and when I met someone I fell in love, they would only reject me because of my extreme shyness, although I am beautiful, talented and sensitive.
My shyness has crippled my whole youth. I am 25 now. This shyness is a deep mystery because sometimes it disappears from my life forever and I behave with great confidence and charisma. A month ago I came back from India where I stayed 5 months with a holy man, my guru. He showed me the whole nature of this universe, my own true nature and the nature and origin of all human beings. He revealed to me my own divinity and oneness of the universe. I have been in Samadhi and experienced states of Self-realisation. I was given the rare understanding of the whole philosophy and practical path to the experience of Truth of oneness of humanity and divinity. I came back to this large city from India; I do not know anyone here who even had a glimpse of the same. My old friends however and memories revived the past shyness pattern from which I fled to India in the first place. With this profound knowledge of very subtle states of meditation and self-awareness, here I am, coming out of Samadhi, going on the streets, seeing a beautiful man, and feeling deeply shy.
I never wanted enlightenment, I wanted a loved one. What I found is this half-enlightenment at which I am simultaneously Absolute Consciousness and a shy woman whose love has only been rejected multiply. This is a mystery that I am to solve. I am absolutely alone now in this large city, and I have a difficulty finding friends because of this vast body of wisdom that I have. The depth of understanding about this world is unsuitable to my age and isolates me from young people who have very different interests and intellect. I have a brain of a philosophy professor (I am saying this with bitterness as I never wanted such advancement).
I have written a book on the nature of this world and human beings the content of which is quite revolutionary. However, I told myself not to think of publishing it until my shyness stops afflicting me. But how can it stop, if even seeing my own divinity does not break the mind’s pattern?
I am writing to you to share this mystery of my experience. I do not know what to do. If I was not so shy, I could easily teach meditation and Jnana yoga, the direct path to self-realisation. but before I went to India, here in America my experiences of talking in front of a group have been extremely traumatic and the wounds of all love rejections appeared as an iceberg without an end to remind me of all the self-inadequacy I have experienced. I know and I see that the Self of which I feel inadequate and embarrassed is none less that Absolute Consciousness, God himself, who is one and the same in all beings, and yet the pattern came back because it has never found a solution before. My spiritual master is in India. I feel very much in distress. With your level of expertise on this subject, what would you recommend?