Dr. Elaine Aron PhD Open the Highly Sensitive Person Site
Dr. Henderson PhD Open The Shyness Institute Site
Dr. Renée Gilbert PhD Open the Shake Your Shyness Site
Dr. Carducci PhD Open the Shyness Research Institute Site
The Top 3 Shyness Books for Your Library
In order of what books would help one most with shyness action:
#1 Dr. Carducci Ph.D. Shyness Research Institute teaches how to go from being shy to “SUCCESSFULLY SHY” Shyness: A Bold New Approach
#2 The Highly Sensitive Person : How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron This treasure written and researched by a Ph.D. who is shy herself changes our understanding of shyness. Highly credible and a joy to read.
#3 Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Here is an indexed list of links to all the shyness advice posts and comments which makes up the FAQ
Blind Date: HELP!
Do you always fall in love with people you can’t get?
I’m growing and some of these layers of self dislike are peeling away
It’s never too late to find love
I’ve dealt a crushing blow to my worst, bitterly hated enemy FEAR
Shy loves Shy
The relationship feels lopsided
What if I kiss the wrong way?
Why is it so hard to just talk to someone I like!?
Everybody needs people they can relate to
Is there an easy way to approach someone or must it always be hard?
Sing for your supper
Why is it so easy for other people to develop companionship?
Would you like to dance? (ever thought of dancing as a way to be more social?)
How can I motivate myself consistently enough to make a real difference in my life?
I feel like I’ll never make it through school at the rate I’m going – I will drop out
Look for mentors that make you challenge yourself
My head knows what to do but my heart doesn’t follow
Some improvement but still have problem with procrastinating and sleeping too much
Perception of Others
How do I avoid extremely negative feedback?
I am quiet, introverted and people think I’m a snob
I cannot seem to get past the seeming coldness or indifference of strangers and acquaintances
Is shyness a lifetime sentence?
Why is it OK to ask why are you so quiet?
Quick Solutions to Shyness
Elaine Aron talks about the cover of Time Magazine with The Power of Shyness and High Sensitivity.
To the highly sensitive persons of the world and their friends: A hearty congratulations. In a sense, we made the cover of Time -Elaine Aron
Aron, Elaine (2012, Feb 2). Psychology Today. “The Power of (Shyness)” and High Sensitivity. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/attending-the-undervalued-self/201202/time-magazine-the-power-shyness-and-high-sensitivity. Accessed on October 26, 2015.
Time Magazine (2012, Feb 6). Image. http://content.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20120206,00.html. Accessed on October 26,2015.
Our reader writes, “I would love to have a girlfriend to spend time with, but I get really nervous when approaching women. I don’t know what to say or where to meet them. The years are starting to catch up to me. I wanted to have a family but I can’t seem to meet women. Do you have any suggestions?”
The article has excellent suggestions for dealing with loneliness and shyness, you can read it here.
Gallozzi,Chuck (2009, April 21). Find a Girlfriend. http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/find-girlfriend.htm. Accessed on October 24, 2015.
From the Social Anxiety Support Forum (SAS):
…a few things gave me hope…Reading about the experience of a person on the website called Shy and Free https://shyandfree.com/ and how he was able to transform his shyness gave hope that change is possible. -VanDamme
Read VanDamme’s advice on social anxiety here.
Social Anxiety Support (2015, October 5). [progress update] The *cure* for social anxiety has been found! http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/forum/f9/progress-update-the-cure-for-social-anxiety-has-been-found-1617434/#post1082514098. Accessed on October 23, 2016.
From Hearts & Minds – Information for Change(SM) about ShyandFree.com
This site is great: from the principles that transform shyness, which may seem like simple facts but are indeed inspiring, to the stories that people share about their shyness and how some of them have overcome it. There are links to possibly every shy website that is important, and the book recommendations are great. – TAL
Hearts & Minds (2008, April 5). Links to Help with Shyness. http://www.heartsandminds.org/self/links/shy.htm. Accessed on October 23, 2016.
Please read these three paragraphs. This first paragraph discusses approaches offering fast results. The second paragraph is my quick solution to shyness. The third is what do do once you know the secret. You deserve a quick solution to your shyness. There are many books and sites offering easy, fast ways to overcome shyness, should you use them? My advice is that it is important to try things for yourself. If you think a quick approach will work for you then try it, otherwise there will always be doubt in you mind about following any other approach. You may find good advice and you may find lots of advice on how to manipulate others. My experience is that manipulation will not help find true confidence or true love. Set a time frame for when success is expected because if the ideas are true, they will work as promised. If you don’t see the expected result in the allowed time, then do not despair, instead follow a more structured plan such as the one outlined on Shyandfree.com.
You may be surprised that the Shy and Free™ site has so many pages and words. It turns out it takes many words to convey the simplest of truths. I am happy to give you the secret to transforming shyness in the next sentence. Breathe Consciously. Being aware of your breath will help you almost magically overcome fear. This powerful secret of controlling fear has been known since ancient times and can be proven by you. It is not magic because as you will see, effort is required to focus on your breath when in fear, and this for you may or may not be as easy as it sounds. Practice will show you that following your breath does work. Overcoming fear will help you transform shyness. All the other words on this site are to help you understand how best to use this secret known to warriors of all kinds. How long it takes depends on many things. It could be instant because you recognize this truth and can apply it or it could take time for you to practice breathing consciously.
As you may find, knowing the secret leads to more questions concerning beliefs and how to best use the secret of transforming shyness. While it may seem like completely focusing on overcoming shyness is the quickest path, you may find yourself trapped, not making progress, which is the reason for balance as discussed in the process for transforming shyness. Doing the same thing will keep you stuck, you need to do something new. Your journey will turn knowledge into wisdom through action.
Marguerite Kelly writes based on a question to the Washington Post advice column:
“My 20-year-old son — the youngest of three boys — is not only smart, funny, athletic and drop-dead gorgeous, but he got good grades in high school, played varsity baseball for four years and served in the student government. However, he was, and is, desperately shy; he gets very little joy out of life and he has never had a close friend, even now that he’s a junior in college. It is as if his emotions were tied up in a straitjacket.”
Read the complete article which includes the following:
“Terence Real’s book on depression is good, and so is the book on shyness by Antony and Swinson, but your son will probably get much more out of “The Science of Making Friends” by Elizabeth A. Laugeson. This book, which comes with its own DVD and an app, is based on the deep research the author did at UCLA, and it’s packed with specific details”
Kelly, Marguerite (2013, October 24). What to do about a shy adult son. Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/what-to-do-about-a-shy-adult-son/2013/10/21/3ca4c840-3803-11e3-ae46-e4248e75c8ea_story.html
An article published on WebMD by Peter Jaret indicates that three simple questions can help you determine if you have social phobia:
- Does fear of embarrassment cause you to avoid doing things or speaking to people?
- Do you avoid activities in which you are the center of attention?
- Are being embarrassed or looking stupid among your worst fears?
The questions came from Jonathon Davidson, MD, professor of psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center’s Anxiety and Traumatic Stress Program.
If the answer is “Yes” for two or all three of the questions, then it is 93% likely to indicate social phobia according to Davidson.
Jaret, P. (2000, April 10). Is Shyness a Mental Disorder? Retrieved August 22, 2015, from http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/features/is-shyness-mental-disorder
How to overcome the fear of public speaking? The answer is to volunteer first even though fear tells you to wait until the last possible moment or to avoid it altogether.
A way to overcome the fear and discomfort of giving speeches was shared with me and I successfully used it to graduate from college, give presentations at work and to more comfortably participate in group activities of all kinds. This way is counter-intuitive and was given to me by a very outgoing person which caused me to initially dismiss it. I resisted the advice and only used it only out of desperation because I had to pass a speech class in order to graduate from the university and I had tried everything else.
The way to overcome the fear of giving speeches or presentations is to volunteer first. I know that this sounds like exactly what you don’t want to do, but it works because instead of sitting there tormented as others present themselves, you go first and get it over with. Going first has the advantage of not yet being compared to anyone. It also has the great advantage that afterwards, you can sit back and relax and listen to the speeches instead of experiencing anguish while you compare yourself to them in your mind as you wait your turn.
I went from someone who literally trembled in fright during a talk to someone who almost looks forward to presenting. Volunteering first also has the advantage of being more favorably received than those that go later because you have established the benchmark for comparison. When possible, volunteer first to give a speech or make a presentation. Be ready in case someone else is not so that you can go as early as possible.
When in front of the group, use conscious breathing as described in the secret of transforming shyness to overcome fear and get through the speech.
Joseph Burgo Ph.D. discusses how shyness may be a form of avoiding the shame of rejection. Joseph says:
“Because we’re social animals, we want more than anything else to belong, to feel connected to and accepted by other people in our tribe or pack — to have friends and lovers, to be part of a family, etc. Finding ourselves rejected in the face of such longing, one of the most painful experiences we humans can know, causes us to feel shame; the earliest version of this thwarted longing to connect — failed attachment in the mother-infant relationship during the first two years of life — produces an especially severe sense of inner defect that I refer to as basic or core shame. As described in a post on my blog at Psychology Today, basic shame can thus be seen as the result of unrequited love.”
Burgo, Joseph PhD. (2012, December 12) Shyness and Self-Hatred. After Psychotherapy. Web site. May 26, 2015. http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/shyness-and-self-hatred/