1. I used to hate being called “nice”. I thought I was being kind and generous yet realized that being this way did not seem to work. Years and years later a close friend pointed this out: “My way of being nice had a catch — I wanted something back — to be liked”.

    In a way I was indicating to the other person that I would do anything for them if they would only like me.

    People do not like others who are perceived as desperate or starved for attention.

    It was not until I said to myself “Forget it then, I will just be myself and accept the fact that people are not attracted to me.”

    I tried to be myself as much as possible and tried to be social to get rid of the boredom.

    Then my life changed. I had a few girlfriends and a few years later got married.

    No more Mister Nice Guy.
    Kindness works, niceness does not.

  2. Thanks for your incisive message, you pretty much “nailed it”. Although I am fairly good looking and have adequate social skills, this has not translated into being able to attract woman. I pretty much am willing to do anything to please them in order to get them to like me. The desperation comes clearly across, and I am either politely rejected or have my phone calls or emails ignored.

    I gave up trying to date for a long time. After a few months of individual and group therapy, I decided to try again and got the poor response.

    Your advice is excellent, for now, I’m going to target my efforts towards socializing rather than “getting’ a woman. I think the main issue is confidence, which will take time, as I deal with in therapy the events and relationships which originally destroyed it.

  3. …you who gave me feedback on my nice guy post and recommended concentrating on just socializing. I did just that and have noticed greater interest from women in general and as of three weeks ago I am in a good relationship, first in quite a while!

  4. Wonderful news – in a very short time! It is great what can happen when one has the courage to try new ways.

  5. I’m also going to follow your advice Kevin. I think you are absolutely right, I don’t think girls find guys who are too nice to be attractive. That tends to be a turn-off. I remember a relationship with this guy once; he was so nice to his girlfriend. Would always buy her whatever she wants. Do whatever she wants him to. Treat her with great deal of respect. And what happens? She says all this crap behind his back and she wasn’t even attracted to him. She would get away with a lot crap and he would still forgive her for it. If she found something at the store and wanted to buy it and he refuse, because he forgot his money. She would hate him for that and not talk to him for a while. When we’re clubbing, she would ignore him and rather dance with other guys. She would always make him drive places to get her things. Now it’s obviously she’s totally using him and he doesn’t know it. I feel sorry for the guy. I also had similar incidents like this in the past, I notice I do better if I’m just myself (both negative and positive) I get better results. When I’m trying to be nice all the time, people will tend to take advantage of me and girls will expect more from me like I’d do anything for them. People would also be ignoring me and that hurt very much because a lot of times people view me differently, why did it hurt? I usually don’t get a chance to prove who I really am. I consider myself an attractive guy but people usually think that I’m stuck-up or a snob because of that which is not true. But I do find girls who are a bit shy to be extremely attractive. Especially when they tend to blush, it tells me that they really care about what I think and perceive them at. Where can I find more of these type of girls?

  6. I am a blushing kind of female, but it doesn’t seem to get me anywhere with guys. I guess I’m too aloof (or a “snob”). Is this true, do guys like girls that are blatantly loud flirts? I could never be like that, it’s just not in me. But those are the type of girls that seem to get the guys.

    I’m also working on how to be less “nice”. I’ve always let people walk all over me. I’m sick and tired of being so agreeable and pleasant. It’s the worst four letter word. Though being kind, as mentioned before, is a trait one should keep.

    I actually like shy guys. The problem is, how do you know if they have interest in you? Can two shy people really work in a relationship? How would they communicate?

  7. I think a lot of men prefer aloof women….it’s just that the extroverted flirts are more visible and in the spotlight and they flatter men’s egos. But when it comes down to something serious….men like to pursue a woman–not be pursued (I’ve even noticed that shy men like to pursue when they are genuinely interested). I read your post about not being in a relationship….please don’t think I’m being patronizing when I say that you are so young and really are worried about something that is not as big as you think. I remember thinking the same thing at your age–so I understand. But now…many years later…I see what a waste of time that worrying was all about. May I recommend something? I think 20-21 is too young to be in a relationship—I really do.

    Relationships can be as confining as marriage. My friends who were in relationships at your age quickly started to resemble boring old housewives. They lost their identity by getting bogged down with one guy. They lost their spark. Marriage is a wonderful thing—but only when you are ready to settle down and commit. I think you might be a lot happier (and more relaxed certainly) by aiming to date many guys. This is the best way to learn about yourself, your likes and dislikes, the best type of man to suit you when you finally are ready to settle into a commitment. It is also a big ego booster to have many suitors.

    The best way to attract a handful of suitors, I have found, is to work on your outer appearance and to involve yourself in interests that would allow you to meet men. If you are distracted doing something that you like, you will radiate beauty and will not feel so shy and self-conscious around guys. I hope this helps a little bit.

  8. I like what you said about radiating beauty when you don’t focus on trying to be so cool and collected in front of the guy. The most beautiful people, in my opinion, are the ones who don’t try too hard. There’s something naturally attractive about that.

    Yes, I know I’m young…it’s actually not patronizing that you told me this. I personally think I need to hear a lot more of that!

    It’s just that I’m surrounded by all these cute couples and they seem so happy. Society isn’t much of a help either (think of all the media). It’s kind of a silent pressure for me.

    I’ll take your advice, thanks so much.

  9. I think I might be having the same problem as email but I am not sure! Where do you draw the line between nice and kind? Is helping people out and give them basic human respect considered too nice in most places? I have been puzzled by this now for a while because where I live all the girls seem to like these jerks that walk all over people or is just me who thinks they are jerks for walking all over people?

  10. The difference between being nice and being kind is that being nice always has a catch, something is wanted back whereas being kind has no catch — nothing is expected back.

    Intention makes the difference. The same act can be performed with niceness or kindness.

    Niceness is sensed by others, they feel that you want something. Many times being too nice comes from a perceived weakness and makes you seem like their servant which is why being nice does not generate romantic interest.

    Being genuinely kind, on the other hand, comes from strength.

    An interesting puzzle — Being kind leads to feeling good about yourself while at the same time, kindness demonstrates that you feel good about yourself — therefore others will feel good about you too.

    “Jerks” have relationship because they impact others. You may want to read about Communicating with Impact.

  11. I, too, am tired of being so nice. I have borrowed a book from a friend. It’s called “GOOD INTENTIONS: The Nine Unconscious Mistakes of Nice People” by Duke Robinson. Mistake #1 is “Trying to be Perfect”. Being perfect doesn’t just include accomplishments. According to this book, the central issue of perfectionism is our deeply felt need for acceptance. When we are being too nice, we are looking to others for acceptance, jumping through every hoop put in front of us, in order to please. He states that nice people have “unconsciously and unconditionally bought the propositions that conditional acceptance is the law of life and that we must do the best we can with it”. (Examples of conditional acceptance are: “I’ll accept you as long as you meet my standards”, “I’ll put up with you until I have reason not to like you”, and “On the condition you continue to please me, I’ll continue to accept you”.) The opposite of conditional acceptance is, of course, unconditional acceptance — OF OURSELVES. (Remember Kevin’s post when he said ‘forget it, I’m just going to be myself’.) I think one of the reasons Kevin radiates such inner peace is that he has unconditional acceptance of himself. Are there other perfectionists, other than myself, in this community?

  12. Yes, I am also a perfectionist. While it has some value in my work in computers, it does not serve me well in personal relationships. Perfectionism can lead to failing to act for fear of not being perfect.

    I now do my best to see the perfection in having the courage to act, no matter the results.

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